Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
