I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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