i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
