i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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