Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
