She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
