I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
