Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
