thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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