Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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