One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
