Already got asked if we're dating
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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