Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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