Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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