I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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