Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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