Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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