You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
