Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
