just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
