Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
