alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
