at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
