i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
