I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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