I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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