I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
