Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What drink are we having for lunch?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
