Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
