She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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