I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
