why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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