I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
