No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
