A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
