It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
