life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
