Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
