Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
