I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
