Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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