I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
