So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
