I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
