I can text with my tongue
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You did what with his pubic hair?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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