i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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