Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
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