got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
