just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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