I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude. I can hear the air.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
